Heads up: This post is 14 years old. My thinking may have evolved since then — read it with that in mind.
Last week we went to a farm expo where there were many hands-on crafts making workshops, bigger kids can try their hands on wood cutting, drilling, painting, planting, milking (a mechanical cow), feeding goats… etc. At one of the woodwork area, I worked on making a charm, beside me was another family, the boy was about 10 years old, and while he was trying to saw a tree branch, his grandma stood in front of him and mocked him loudly in front of everyone.
“It’s ugly what you made, it’s too thick, so not pretty. You see others saw thinner pieces, those are prettier. Wow, you haven’t made any progress at all, you’ve been sawing that branch forever! You’re so useless! Why are you so weak?! Bla bla bla…”
This is another behavior that I could never understand. As a kid, I was beaten by my mom with bamboo sticks and clothes hangers a lot, but the physical pain was nothing compared to the emotional pain resulted from verbal abuse.
“You are worthless. You’re an embarrassment. I’m so disappointed in you, I’ve given up on you. I have no expectations of you anymore. I’ll just let you ‘live & die by yourself’ (自生自滅), you’ll become a beggar in the future and I won’t care.”
Why do they do that? Don’t they know how much it hurts? I knew the term “heartbreak” a little too well as a little 5 ~ 8 year old kid! I don’t know how little I was when I first heard those vile words, but I vividly remember how much my heart ached! I hid in my room, crying quietly into the pillow. And it wasn’t like I did something really horrible, it was always just because I didn’t do so well in school! Was grades really that important that they need to trample their little kids’ feelings?
Obviously, this post is to tell you NOT to belittle your children. Your children deserves your unconditional love, it doesn’t mean that you’ll just let them become criminals and murderers, on the contrary, it means you should never retract or even hint at abandoning your love for your children because of something they did. A simple, straight forward “I don’t like it when you do that” or “I don’t want you to do that” can tell your child clearly how you feel! While remaining in a positive attitude will teach them that even when they’ve done something you don’t approve, they can still come to you for your advice and help. This habit will become very helpful when they get older (and get into bigger troubles :)
As for the times when your child didn’t “meet your expectations” and disappointed you, well, think about what you were measuring him against! Was it some standardized tests from some schools or education system? Do they really mean anything? May be you, the one who is blind to your child’s awesome ability to discover and construct knowledge on her own, is the one who is disappointing and letting your child down!
(Note: I still don’t understand the parents who constantly belittle everything their kids does. If you’re one of those people, I’d love to hear your reasons for doing that!)
I’m interested to hear about your experience! One of my friends, a cute girl I met in Japan, sent my posts to her sister and her sister wrote to me to tell me that when she was growing up, her parents used to mock her on all of her interests! So it seems to be a common theme and struck a chord with many Asians. I’d love to hear about how you feel these actions had shaped you!