Heads up: This post is 14 years old. My thinking may have evolved since then — read it with that in mind.
Aug 18th
Today we have a new family joining our playgroup, mom Marta who’s another Reggio Emilia Approach inspired early childhood educator, sweet natured 2 year old boy T, and dad Andy who brought T to the playgroup. We had some good talks about parenting and lives in Hong Kong. T is really awesome for his age, I think it really shows what a big difference being a RIE / REA parent can make!
Today’s story is an embarrassing one for a lot of parents, a child who simply won’t share! L has a hard time sharing his toys, especially with new faces and when inside our own apartment. Today, he was being very firm on not wanting to share! Not only the toys that were already in his hands, but basically anything our new friend T touches. Whenever T got a hold of a train or a car, L would stare at it and say “No!”, then he would escalate to hitting the floor with his hand, then finally throwing things. One time he threw a little train at his mom’s direction and it hit mom on her chin. T was very sensitive to these aggressive emotion, he would drop whatever he was doing and go hug his dad.
When two toddlers want the same toy, I see a lot of parents telling their kids “Sharing! Sharing!” and forcibly take the toy from the child’s hand, giving it to the other kid. I’ve always thought that was a bit ridiculous! I can almost hear the child’s mind asking “What the hell is sharing?! All I see is you taking the thing out of my hand and keep saying this word! I lose whatever is in my hand to other kids when I hear that word!”
As a parent, when my child doesn’t want to share his things with others, I feel obligated to “teach” my child to share in front of the other parent! It’s like I have to at least say something to my child! Sometimes, I wish I could just shut up and let my son deal with it himself! Since starting the playgroup with Sarah, I’ve learned to model it after her, which is to simply state the situation and the feeling involved, “Hey, it looks like the other boy would like to have a go at this train you’re playing, would you like to take turns with him?” (I wonder if we should even leave out the suggestion!) For me, my son’s answer to that question is an absolute “No!”, which makes it even more embarrassing for me, but I think I’ve to just communicate with the other parents up front, that my son is still learning to share and I’m not forcing him either way. (For a really good guide on what to do to make kids learn to share, see the link to Magda Gerba’s post below.)
The funny thing was, when it was T’s lunch time and his daddy brought out some sandwiches, L decided to offer one of his trains to T… in return for a sandwich!
Fair enough.
On and related to this topic, there are a couple of articles that can help ease your anxiety when dealing with your child’s anti-social behaviors: